I’m about to get personal here. I don’t know who reads this but you don’t have to care. This is my blog. I get to post whatever I want.
A lot of my friends are getting married, engaged, or have been in a relationship for a while. (I realize many blog rants begin this way. I’m so cliche.) I only have one real good example of love & relationships in my life and they live on the other side of the pacific ocean. Even they have had their share of hardships— which is normal. I guess?
I went to visit my dad again yesterday. The very long train journey there and back got me thinking. My friends are experiencing such normal types of love. Whatever normal is. I just feel like its normal. You meet, go through the motions, date, sex, arguments, marriage, more arguments, make up sex, babies, etc…
I don’t know of this normal. I have never been in a relationship. And so I travel and uproot my life to fix the one relationship that started all of this mess.
So here I am. Trying to fix something which in most cases should just be left broken. I could forever use the “I have Daddy issues” excuse for the rest of my life and make ‘Daughters’ by John Mayer (which is one song I wish he never wrote. Oh, and ‘Your Body is a Wonderland.’) my theme song. I mean… the chances of this relationship surviving the countless wars it already has been through seems extremely slim. But yet, here. The fuck. I am.
This backwards kind of love explains a lot about me. About the way that I function. The way that I make friends. The way I do everything.
I never feel that I do anything the way other people do. And sometimes I really wish I could change that. Maybe this love & marriage & babies thing isn’t for me at all. I really don’t know. What I do know is that the Happily Ever After Disney senario that i’ve dreamt about since I was 3 will most likely never happen for me. This i’ve known for a while. I now compare my life to one of those depressing indie movies where most of the movie is this happy story and at the very end they end up alone because its real life and that’s what real situations are like because its REAL.
But I can tell you that this ‘fixing what once was a broken mess’ situation that i’m going through is really, really hard. And i’m just hanging onto a thread of hope that maybe this hard work and emotional torture will be worth it all one day. I question my sanity and the amount of strength I have every day.
This is not a call for help. This is just me and my dad. I am in this alone and that’s just the way it is. But maybe. Just maybe. One day. One. Fucking. Day. This will be worth it all.